Every speaker knows that a joke is a great way to break the ice, so I relate a couple of my favorite Catholic jokes:
The Greatest Order
Told to me by a Dominican
Told to me by a Dominican
The orders of the Catholic Church were arguing about which of them was the best order in the Church, and the argument was getting violent. The Carmelites were citing John of the Cross, and Teresa of Avila, the Dominicans were citing Dominic and Thomas Aquinas, the Franciscans cited Bonaventura and Francis. So the Pope called all the orders together to Rome to pray a novena so that the Holy Spirit would guide him in resolving the issue. Masses, Rosaries, and all sort of prayers were offered for nine days for an inspired answer to the question.
On the ninth day the participants were approaching the front doors of St. Peter's and observed a paper fluttering in the breeze which had been tacked to the door. None dare approach the sheet, but fears of another Martin Luther were foremost in their minds. Finally the Holy Father approached and took the sheet down, and read the letter aloud to the assembled religious:
On the ninth day the participants were approaching the front doors of St. Peter's and observed a paper fluttering in the breeze which had been tacked to the door. None dare approach the sheet, but fears of another Martin Luther were foremost in their minds. Finally the Holy Father approached and took the sheet down, and read the letter aloud to the assembled religious:
My dear beloved sons and daughters:
I love all my children equally.
Signed,
God, S.J.
I love all my children equally.
Signed,
God, S.J.
What the Evangelist Left Out
The men brought the woman to Jesus and told Him that she had been caught in adultery. Jesus told them "Let the one without sin cast the first stone." There was a prolong silence as each man considered his sins. Suddenly, a stone whistled past Jesus' ear and hit the woman squarely between the eyes. Jesus whipped around and exclaimed: "Mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
5 comments:
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Got another one for you, which was the opener to the homily at a recent Mass I attended:
Three guys are at a hockey game, and are seated behind three nuns in traditional habits. Their large headpieces are blocking the guys' view somewhat (not to mention their very presence is making it hard to fully relax), so the guys decide to try to annoy the nuns into leaving or moving to other seats.
The first guy says, very loudly, "I want to go to Utah - there are only 100 nuns in the whole state of Utah!"
The second guy says, "Well, I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 nuns in that state!"
The third guy says, "I've got you both beat - I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns in Idaho!"
At that point, one of the nuns turns around and very sweetly says, "Why don't you all go to Hell? There aren't any nuns there!"
Har dee har har. :-)
One of my sources just sent me some additional smiles:
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
Hello, I am adding you to my blog roll. Welcome to the blogosphere
Who says God isn't a Blogger?
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was the best at the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They emailed.
They emailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than !@#$%^
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the electricity failed. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on and each of them restarted the computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went off!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come He has His Work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Michael,
You should allow posts of derogatory or even profane comments. As one of them lawyer types, I think a positive aspect of the freedom of speech is being able to identify the bastards when they open their mouths!
Yours truly,
The Digital Hairshirt
aka
The Sister-in-Law
Post a Comment